Good morning.
Wave those flags, son!
Get out of there!
Hit them again!
Get out of here!
Get out of them trees, damn it!
Get them!
Migrate south, will you?
Mama!
- Three more radios for you, Shelby. - Not now, Tommy. Mama!
This nail polish is drying way too dark.
"Practically Pink," my foot. Looks like a stuck pig bled all over my hand.
I'm sure I have something that will do.
Oh, no!
It has to be delicate.
If I don't have something, your brother will go get some "delicate" pink polish.
- Mom... - Jonathan, just a minute.
Great. I'd love to see what the boys would pick out.
Delivery man! Someone stop that truck! Stop that...
Don't put ice down my back!
You should've drowned them at birth.
Shelby.
- See if you can get this. - My nails are wet.
Shelby!
Ma'am?
Would you look at those, please?
Dad, over here! Behind the tent! Come on!
Myrtle, hi.
Hold on, please.
I'm gonna get you!
Drum!
Sweetheart, I'm on the phone.
Stop that now! I can't hear myself think!
Myrtle, the champagne glasses, they're all broken.
Help!
Spud!
Spud, turn off that stupid television.
Get in here and finish dyeing these Easter eggs.
I ran out of stuff.
Well, that's why God invented the A&P.
- Gotta work on the truck. - No, you gotta get the lead out.
Yes, ma'am. I live to serve.
If those eggs are not at the church by noon, they don't get hidden.
Are you listening to me, Spud?
Mrs. Jones?
Are you Annelle?
You sweet thing, come on.
Excuse me.
Pick up my green dress at the cleaners!
Am I interrupting something?
No, I'm just screaming at my husband. I can do that anytime.
Please, call me Truvy.
Thank you.
Mama, look at this. This was in the hall closet.
What is it?
Rubbers.
Tommy says Jonathan's planning to cover the honeymoon car with these.
- Please stop him! - Keep your voice down.
Jonathan!
Boys, I wanna talk to you.
Tommy! Jonathan! Tommy!
Jonathan, don't you decorate your sister's car with condoms!
It's tacky!
It's like talking to a brick wall.
If he's trying to drive me crazy, it's too late.
There must be a better way to get rid of those birds.
We could cut down all our trees...
...or change the migratory patterns of the birds. Take your pick.
You told him to get rid of them.
I had no idea he would alienate the entire neighborhood.
It'd be a lot more alienated...
...if they got covered in bird shit at my reception.
Pretty talk!
Do you have to be so crude?
There.
I see a hole.
I was hoping you'd catch that.
It's a little bit pouffier than I would normally do, but I'm nervous.
I'm not worried about that.
I usually wrap my entire head in toilet paper when I go to bed...
...so it usually gets pretty shmushed down in that process anyway.
At the trade school, I was number one when it came to frosting and streaking.
I did my own.
Really?
That's good.
And I can usually spot a bottle job at 20 paces.
- Your technique is really good. - Thanks.
I think your form and content will improve with time.
So, best I can tell, young lady, you've just landed yourself a job.
Oh, God!
Thank you!
Thank you, Miss Truvy.
No time for thanks. We'll be busier than a one-armed paperhanger.
Here, let me help you.
It's all right. I got it.
You got tiny little hairs and fuzzies all over you.
There's so much static electricity in this room...
...I pick up everything but boys and money.
Louie!
Louie, hold up!
I want you to meet Annelle.
She's taking Judy's place.
Swell.
Louie, take out the garbage!
Can't.
Late.
What'd you hire her for?
Our son.
We're so proud of him.
Annelle, honey, what do you say we talk some trash?
I'm so excited. I can't believe it's happening.
I'm a beautician!
"Glamour technician."
Glamour technician.
I'll have you know, you are working in the most successful shop...
...in this town.
Because I have a strict philosophy that I have stuck to for 15 years.
There is no such thing as natural beauty.
"There is no such thing as natural beauty."
You remember that, or we're all out of a job.
Just look at me. It takes some effort to look like this.
I can see that.
So how long have you been in town?
A few weeks.
New in town.
It must be exciting being in a new place.
I wouldn't know. I've lived here all my life.
Well, tell me things about yourself.
There's nothing to tell.
I live here. I've got a job now. That's it.
How about a few of these issues of Southern Hair?
Sure, take them.
It is essential to stay abreast of the latest styles.
And I'm glad to see your interest.
You must live close by. At least in walking distance. I didn't see a car.
I don't have a car.
I been staying across the river at Robeline's boarding house.
That's quite a walk.
Ruth Robeline.
Now, there is a story for you.
She is a troubled, twisted soul.
Her whole life has been an experiment in terror.
Her husband got killed in World War II.
Then her son got killed in Vietnam.
When it comes to suffering, she is right up there with Elizabeth Taylor.
I had no idea.
Hello!
- Clairee! - Good morning. Good morning!
I'd like to introduce you to the former first lady of Chinquapin...
...Miss Belcher. I'd like you to meet Annelle.
I'm a little embarrassed. I'm windblown.
I've just been to the dedication of the children's park.
How did that go?
Beautifully.
Except...
Janice van Meter got hit with a baseball. It was fabulous.
Was she hurt?
I doubt it. She got hit in the head.
Janice van Meter is the current mayor's wife. We hate her.
They named the new park after Clairee's late husband.
This town is so proud of her.
That's nice.
What's your family name, dear?
My married name is Dupuy...
...but I'm originally from Zwolle.
How nice.
There's towels in the dryer. Would you fold them and bring them in?
- Sure. - Thank you.
Sweet gal. Where'd you find her?
Yesterday, when Judy quit...
...I called up the trade school and told them to send me a warm body.
And Annelle was the valedictorian of the hairdo class.
And I think there's a story there.
What makes you say that?
For starters, she's married...
...but she's living over at Ruth Robeline's alone.
I'd get to the bottom of this if I were you.
You have some silverware you'd like to keep.
I'm not worried about that. She's just as sweet as she can be.
And, besides, I kind of like the idea of hiring somebody with a past.
She can't be more than 18. She hasn't had time to have a past.
Get with it, Clairee.
This is the '80s. If you can achieve puberty, you can achieve a past.
That man!
I swear, I don't know how M'Lynn puts up with that.
Go on, get out of here!
Jackson, please.
I'm gonna talk some sense into you.
It's bad luck to see me before the wedding.
So you are gonna marry me.
Come on, now, we can work this out. Shelby, please.
You know you won't go through with this.
You don't have to give back all the wedding presents.
That VCR alone is worth getting married for.
And I love you.
If my daddy catches you here...
...the question of whether or not I can have your children won't matter.
He will cut your thing off.
Say you're gonna marry me.
I hate suspense.
You meet me 2:00, Presbyterian Church.
I'll be the one in the veil, down front.
I'm gonna make you very happy.
We'll see.
Give me the sports.
Boys...
...we're off to Truvy's. Jonathan, keep your eye on your brother, Tommy.
- Am I my brother's keeper? - You're your brother's warden.
And that horrible woman's coming by to deliver the groom's cake in about an...
Where's your father?
His coffee kicked in.
Shelby, let's go.
I'm coming, Mama. I said I'd be right there.
You're gonna be late for your own wedding.
I'm wearing my hair down because Jackson likes my hair down.
The veil would be prettier with your hair up.
Get over it, Mama.
Oh, God! Come here! Stop it, Rhett!
Oh, shit!
- It's Miss Ouiser. - Back door.
Drum!
Come here.
M'Lynn!
Open the door! I know you're in there!
I think there's somebody at the door.
I think it's for Daddy.
I know you're in there!
Say, "Please."
Thank you.
Get over there, Rhett!
Stop pulling!
Sit! Rhett!
Sit! Sit!
Ouiser, you look like hammered shit.
Don't you talk to me like that!
I'm sorry. You look like regular shit.
I have such a bone to pick with you.
Stop egging him on.
Come here.
I have just come from the vet.
Come here, Rhett.
Whitey Black says that all this noise...
...you've been making around here for the last few days...
...has been causing a nervous condition in my dog.
Look at this. All his hair's falling out.
I gotta give this animal tranquillizers.
Whitey Black is a moron. I'm not even sure he has opposable thumbs.
If you'll excuse me, I've got a little work out in the back yard.
Hi, Miss Ouiser.
Leave me alone.
Now, you listen to me. I don't know if I'm coming or going.
I heard you got so screwed up, you cut your dog out of your will...
...and had an ungrateful nephew put to sleep.
I'm about at the end of my rope.
Well, tie a noose in it and slip it over your head.
Damn it, Ouiser.
I don't wanna kill you.
Boys, bring me my gun!
Don't you threaten me, Drum Eatenton, or I will call the police.
I gotta scare away about 5 zillion birds before Shelby's reception.
If I don't, I'll have to deal with my wife.
I make it a point never to deal with my wife.
That dog is on his last legs. What'll I do with him?
Serve him on toast.
Did you get those magnolias out of my tree?
The judge has not decided whose tree that is exactly.
It is mine.
I will speak to M'Lynn about this.
Now, are these chocolate chips semisweet or milk?
They're milk.
Is the Karo syrup light or dark?
It's a matter of taste.
Where's the other one you were talking about? "Cuppa, Cuppa, Cuppa."
That's simple. You don't need to write it down.
That's a cup of flour, a cup of sugar, a cup of fruit cocktail with the juice.
Then you mix and bake at 350 until gold and bubbly.
- Sounds awfully rich. - It is.
So I serve it over ice cream to cut the sweetness.
I'll be right back, honey.
M'Lynn, it looks like you're ready to roll.
And I think we can trust Annelle here to do that.
Her coiffure card's in a little box on the counter.
I don't know. Today is a very special day.
My work is too pouffy when I'm nervous.
Stop that! You're a professional now...
...so just get over there and bang some hair.
Does your dress have to go over your head?
No.
Good.
- I'm sorry. - Relax.
You can't screw up her hair.
Just tease it and make it look like a brown football helmet.
I must have missed the passage in Emily Post that said:
"All abuse is heaped on the mother of the bride."
Hush, girls.
Your mama never tells us much. What's Jackson like?
He's really cute.
I thought he was a pest at first, but he kind of grew on me. Now I love him.
You made a very good catch, Shelby.
Louisiana lawyers do well, whether they want to or not.
I don't really care.
Don't get me wrong. The money is real nice and all.
But I just like the idea of growing old with somebody.
My dream is to sit on the porch, covered with grandchildren, saying:
"No!" and "Stop that!"
Will you quit your nursing job?
Never! I love it.
I love being around all those babies.
Drum and I both feel that she should not work after she gets married.
I'm so anxious to discuss this topic for the 900th time this week.
You shouldn't be on your feet all day. Be kind to your circulatory system.
You know what you need in here, Truvy?
You need a radio.
Music is a wonderful thing in the background.
It takes the pressure off everybody feeling they have to talk so much.
I used to have one, but I slammed it against the wall...
...when I couldn't figure out where the batteries went.
Of course, I know now I was suffering from premenstrual syndrome.
Radio? What did I just hear..?
Oh, yes.
The Antilley family is selling KPPD.
I wonder how much radio stations sell for.
Miss Clairee.
You should buy KPPD. You got plenty of money.
What would I do with a radio station?
Business never interested me. Lloyd took care of that stuff.
I hope you and Jackson will be as happy as Lloyd and I were.
We had such a good time.
Until November.
At least he hung on through the state playoffs.
Miss Clairee, there are still good times to be had.
I really do love football.
But it's hard to parlay that into a reason to live.
What are your colors, Shelby?
They're "blush" and "bashful."
Her colors are "pink" and "pink."
My colors are blush and bashful, Mama.
How precious is this wedding gonna get, I ask you?
My colors are blush and bashful. I have chosen two shades of pink.
One is much deeper than the other.
But the bridesmaids' dresses, they are really beautiful.
Ceremony will be too.
The walls are banked with sprays of flowers in my two shades...
...of blush and bashful.
Pink carpets specially laid out for my service, and pink silk bunting...
...draped over anything that would stand still.
It looks like it's been hosed down with Pepto-Bismol.
I like pink. Pink is my signature color.
How many bridesmaids?
- Nine. - Nine? Good Lord.
Exactly. Mama made me have my cousins and Margie St. Maurice.
Let's not go into this now. You know there was no way around it.
It will be pretentious.
Daddy says, "An ounce of pretension is worth a pound of manure."
The poet laureate of Dogwood Lane.
Mama, I wish you'd get off Daddy's back.
- I don't wanna get into... - Fill us in on the reception.
My reception! My reception!
Ferns, dancing, tons of people! Every pink flower west of the Mississippi.
Wedding cake in the dining room and the groom's cake...
Hidden in the carport?
Shelby and I, we agree on one thing.
The groom's cake.
It's awful.
It's in the shape of a giant armadillo.
An armadillo? You're joking, right?
No. Jackson wanted a cake in the shape of an armadillo. His aunt makes them.
It's unusual.
It's repulsive.
It's got grey icing.
I can't even begin to think how you'd make grey icing.
Worse, the cake part is red velvet cake. Blood red.
People will hack into this poor animal that looks like it's bleeding to death.
The rehearsal supper was a real experience.
Mama, it wasn't that bad.
It was out at Jackson's uncle's place on the river.
He comes from a good old Southern family...
...with good old Southern values. You shoot it, stuff it or marry it.
They're simply outdoorsy, that's all.
Did y'all do anything especially romantic?
We drove down to Frenchmen's Point and went parking.
Oh, Shelby. Really!
M'Lynn, leave her alone. This is my favorite part.
This is the romantic part. See, that's what really melts my butter.
Then we went skinny dipping, and we did things that frightened the fish.
It's been a long time since we've had a youngster in this place.
We talked and talked and talked...
I love those kind of talks in the arms of the man you love.
Actually, we fought most of the time.
You fought?
I told him I wouldn't marry him.
What?
Why'd you go do a thing like that?
It's okay now. We worked it all out.
It's probably just one of those last-minute jitter things.
No, but the wedding's still on.
Well, thank goodness.
Because this is going in the Hairdo Hall of Fame.
Shelby, you scared us. That wasn't a nice thing to do to your mama.
Never say that to a woman who's marinating 50 pounds of crab claws.
But the making up can be so romantic.
I miss romance so much.
Truvy, it can't be that bad.
Oh, really, now?
The last romantic thing my husband did for me was back in 1972.
He enclosed this carport so I could support him.
I think I have something that could cheer you up.
Drum and I plan to talk to your husband about adding on to our house.
M'Lynn, are you serious?
If you give Spud a job, I'll give you hot oil treatments...
...for the rest of your life!
Annelle, this looks pretty good. I think you know what you're doing.
Thank you.
Mrs. Eatenton, you have great hair.
- Your scalp's as clean as a whistle. - I try.
It must run in the family.
This young'un's got the prettiest hair I've ever had my hands in. So thick.
Just because I'm bragging on you don't mean you can get lazy on me.
Stop it.
Shelby?
Shelby! M'Lynn!
I'll get some juice.
There's some candy in my purse.
I have some right here.
Shelby. Shelby.
Hold on. Clairee's getting you some juice.
- Should I get her a cookie? - No.
Juice is better.
Here's the juice.
You need some juice. You need some juice.
- Stop it, Mama. - Drink the juice.
- Please drink the juice. - No!
Stop it! I have some candy in my purse.
You didn't bring your purse.
No, you didn't.
No, here you go. There you go.
Drink some of this.
It's not any wonder...
...with all this running around and wedding nonsense.
Excuse me. Should I call the doctor or something?
She's a diabetic.
She just has a little too much insulin, that's all.
We'll get a little more in her. She'll be all right.
If you don't leave me alone, I'm gonna leave.
I'd love to see you try. Cooperate, please.
Honey, drink. Please.
Come on, now. Thattagirl.
Yes, yes, yes, yes.
There you go. There you go.
There, there. That's a start.
This one hit her fast.
She's been so upset lately.
Dr. Mitchell told her on her last appointment...
...children aren't possible.
Don't talk about me like I'm not here.
She's making some sense now. Yes, she is.
This one was not bad at all. It was not bad at all.
I think we need a little more juice.
Could I do something to help?
No, no.
She'll be fine. Don't fuss over her.
Normality's very important to Shelby.
- Here, M'Lynn. - Thanks.
I'm really sorry about the children part, M'Lynn.
I know.
She's afraid Jackson will be throwing away his chance to have children.
Jackson said:
"Shelby, don't be stupid.
There's plenty of kids out there need good homes."
Drink some.
"We'll adopt 10 of them. We'll buy them if we have to."
Jackson sounds like good people to me.
- Mama, I'm sorry. - That's all right, honey.
It's all right. It's all over now. It's all...
You hold your juice.
It's all over.
Hold your juice, all right?
You all right?
- Truvy, I'm sorry. - I'll fix it.
We'll fix it.
- What did I do with my gun? - Where'd you leave it?
How the hell do I know?
Come on, we have work to do. Daylight's burning.
We're gonna get rid of some birds!
- Got the arrows, Daddy. - All right.
Look here. Look here.
- I got the targets. - We're not going target shooting.
Miss Clairee, what cute shoes!
You think so?
I'm not so sure myself.
They seem a little too racy for me.
I'll probably give them away.
They're just too "cha-cha" for words.
If you decide to get rid of them, I'll buy them.
What size you wear?
In a good shoe, I wear a size 6. But a 7 feels so good, I buy a size 8.
- They're 81/2. - Perfect.
Lord, give us strength!
Come here, Rhett!
That is one ugly dog. What kind of dog is that?
If it had hair, it'd be a Saint Bernard.
This is it. I have found it. I am in hell.
Good morning, Ouiser.
Don't try to get on my good side, Truvy. I no longer have one.
- Come here, Rhett. - You're a little early.
That is precisely why I'm here. I've gotta talk to M'Lynn about her husband.
He is a boil on the butt of humanity.
I'm sorry. This whole thing has gotten out of hand.
It's not your fault, M'Lynn.
I used to think you were crazy for marrying that man.
Then I thought you were a glutton for punishment.
Now I realize you must be on some mission from God.
Daddy isn't trying to drive you crazy. He's trying to make my reception nice.
His heart's in the right place.
Ouiser, I know for a fact there will be no more gunshots.
But he was gonna fire a gun at me.
They're blanks. Drum would never, ever point a gun at a lady.
He's a real gentleman.
I bet he takes the dishes out of the sink before he pees in it.
Who the hell are you?
- Ouiser, this is my new... - Fine.
Now, I know everybody in this town.
And I don't recall having seen you before.
I just moved into town not too long ago.
With your family?
I don't have any family.
Your husband?
My husband?
Yes.
That's kind of hard to say.
I don't know.
You don't know?
Well, I'm not sure.
You're not sure?
I'm intrigued. Are you married or not? These are not difficult questions.
I can't talk about it.
Of course you can.
Well, I'm not sure if I'm married or not. He's gone.
Men are the most horrible creatures, honey. They will ruin your life.
Everything is horrible.
Bunkie, that's my husband, he just vanished last week.
He took all the money, my jewelry, the car.
Most of my clothes were in the trunk.
He's in big trouble with the law.
Drugs or something.
The police keep questioning me, but I don't know anything.
They say that our marriage may not be legal.
I wish you'd have said something.
I was scared to. I need a job in the worst way.
I didn't know if you'd hire someone who may or may not be married...
...to someone who might be a dangerous criminal.
But, Miss Truvy, I swear to you that my personal tragedy...
...will not interfere with my ability to do good hair.
Of course it won't.
I don't think things could get any worse.
Of course they can.
We are awful.
We are all hateful, awful people.
Here, all we've been talking about is weddings and psychotic animals.
What can we do to help?
I know one thing I can do.
Today you'll drop by my house and have some bleeding armadillo cake.
Oh, yes, you must.
I couldn't.
I still get real emotional sometimes.
Not today, you won't. It is going to be a great party.
I don't have anything to wear.
No problem. I bet I have something that'll do. I'll call the house.
Thanks.
All right.
Load me up.
Ready?
All right.
Ready.
All right.
Are you ready? Stand back. Here we go!
What the hell is that?
Got them right between the legs!
All right, you nailed them!
I hope no one was hurt. Shelby, get my things.
Miss Ouiser, that dog will eat Daddy alive!
Ouiser, talk to your dog! He'll listen to you!
- It's my wedding day! - Say something to your dog!
Kill, Rhett! Kill!
Daddy, what happened?
Bite him in the balls!
Sorry.
I'm sorry.
Now.
Shelby.
Shelby, it's time.
Daddy.
It's time.
Daddy, it's time.
- It's time! - It's time?
Who gives this woman in marriage?
Her mother and I do.
Dearly beloved...
This has been the happiest day of my life, Daddy.
I'm glad, sugar.
I'm not talking too loud, am I?
No, you're fine.
Shelby loves you very much.
I hope so.
Cost me 60 bucks to rent this sucker.
I'm being serious.
So am I.
I got the receipt right here.
Could I say this, please?
Shelby is so happy.
I know when you're young...
...it seems like everything will always be perfect. Maybe it will be.
Promise to think about it before you make any big decisions about family.
I know what you're saying.
Good.
What can I get you?
Nothing. No, thanks.
You sure? It's free.
Come on, what'll it be?
A cherry Coke.
Sure.
So are you a friend of the bride or the groom?
Neither.
Shelby invited me.
I don't know why I'm here.
I'm Sammy.
This is the best cherry Coke in the history of the world.
Can I help you, sir?
That Jackson...
...he is one big hanging man.
Yes, I know.
Nancy Beth, come along.
Calories, calories.
I don't like Belle Marmillion.
I don't trust anybody that does their own hair. That's not normal.
She's our best volunteer at the Mental Guidance Center.
She's so good with troubled children.
Wish I had taken Louie there when he was little.
I should've known he had problems...
...when his imaginary playmates wouldn't play with him.
Your boy grew up fine. He's just a little scary, that's all.
I think it'd be fun to have access to all that secret, personal information.
Come on, M'Lynn. Won't you tell me some of your most bizarre cases?
Let me see if I can figure out who they are.
There's some pretty sick tickets in this town.
I'll do no such thing. Cut that out.
You old fuddy-duddy.
I'm not speaking to you.
What a shame.
I mean it, Drum.
Can we call a truce long enough for me to get a piece of cake?
Thanks.
Nothing like a good piece of ass.
I'd rather walk on my lips than to criticize anybody.
But...
...Janice van Meter...
I know.
I'll bet you money she paid $500 for that dress...
...and don't even bother to wear a girdle.
Looks like two pigs fighting under a blanket.
I haven't left the house without Lycra on these thighs since I was 14.
You were brought up right.
Congratulations, Drum. Fantastic party.
Ouiser, there's someone I'd like you to meet.
That looks like an autopsy.
This is Jackson's Aunt Fern Thornton...
...from Alexandria.
She made the cake.
You did this?
Guilty.
But it's very simple, really. It just takes patience.
You only do armadillos?
No, I can do anything.
Except snakes.
I don't have the counter space.
Mama.
Help me.
Well, this is it.
You're finally rid of me.
I think you'll be back every now and then.
Corsages are pretty stupid when you think about it, aren't they?
You make Jackson Latcherie take good care of you.
Mama, Jackson will take care of me.
And I'll take care of him.
And I'm not stupid.
I'll get my bags.
Well, the boys just brought the car around.
What did they do to it?
Let me put it this way.
If you and Jackson want to practice safe sex...
...you're all set.
Truvy, are you leaving so early?
I'll have some sweet dreams with this under my pillow.
Tell your husband I hope he feels better.
He's gonna be fine.
- Say hello to Spud. - I'll do it.
I'm sure he's sorry he missed all this. It was a beautiful wedding.
- Thanks, Truvy. - Thanks a lot. Bye.
You leaving so soon?
Hi.
Hello.
Would you like a ride?
I have new shoes.
I have to break them in.
- Good night. - Keep her away from me.
Stop it.
Walk me home, Clairee.
You just live over there.
I don't wanna walk in that house by myself.
You watch the evening news. You know what kind of world we're living in.
- Walk me home. - Who's gonna walk me home?
You've got the flashlight.
- My car's parked over there. - Come on, I wanna...
This is ridiculous! You're only a few feet away from here.
Follow me.
You're acting like a child. The older you get, the sillier you get.
And the older you get, the uglier you get.
And last, but never least, Santa's most beautiful helper...
...this year's Miss Merry Christmas, Nancy Beth Marmillion!
Get it while the getting's good! Best food in Louisiana!
Blood, sweat and tears go in every little bowlful. Right, boys?
That's right, Truvy.
One, two, three, four.
Shelby!
Get your little country butt over here.
Were you trying to sneak by us without buying some of our jumbo shrimp?
They're hot and spicy, just like Annelle.
Stop!
Try one. We've already pulled their little heads off them.
I'm just killing time. Jackson's found a firearm. We may never see him again.
How about some iced tea? It's the house wine of the South.
- Perfect. - Oh, coming up.
Your mama's happy you got home in time for the festival.
I wouldn't miss the festival for the world. How's your family?
Fine. Spud's as outgoing as ever.
Louie brought his girlfriend home. The nicest thing I can say about her...
...is all her tattoos are spelled correctly.
Truvy!
- Get your money away. - Thanks.
My hair's not the only thing that's changed. So much has happened.
After they finally put Bunkie Dupuy behind bars and I was rid of him...
...I went wild. I was running around, drinking, smoking...
Jezebel!
Truvy helped me see the error of my ways. She gave me a place to live.
I go to church. I've done guest lectures on beauty at the trade school.
Our little Annelle here has become one of the hottest tickets in town.
It's true.
I am enjoying the city more, and I'm so excited about this Christmas festival.
There's a Messiah sing-along tomorrow.
- What's the matter? - Nobody move! Nobody move!
My contact!
- Stay back. Stay back. - Don't move!
Can you back up, please?
Hello, darlings!
When did you get into town?
This afternoon.
Here. Merry Christmas.
I'm showing Jackson everything. He's never been to the festival.
Make sure you listen to the football game tonight.
What are we listening for?
Me. I'm a working gal now. Didn't your mama tell you?
Mama never tells anyone anything.
I'm the color announcer for the Devils. I'm fabulous.
I'm just too colorful for words.
Nice of them to let you on the radio.
Nice, nothing. I own the radio station.
- You bought it? - Yes.
KPPD...
...the station of choice in Chinquapin Parish.
Mrs. Belcher, we've gotta go!
- Bye! - Kickoff!
Well?
Rolly Bassett got the contract.
His bid was 6000 under mine.
Six thousand?
He owns all his own equipment and I don't.
It's hell to be poor and hired out.
I have got some fried chicken here, prepared by Christian women...
...a bottle of cheap wine...
...and I've arranged for some pretty incredible fireworks.
Come on, Spud.
I don't wanna miss the Nativity made entirely out of sparklers.
- I don't feel much like it. - You will once we get there.
I'm happy where I am.
We always watch the fireworks.
This is KPPD radio...
...station of choice in Chinquapin Parish...
...coming to you live from the Devils' locker room.
This is Bark Boone with color announcer Clairee Belcher.
Thank you, Bark.
You know, it's a shame our listeners can't be here...
...to see the gorgeous new Devil uniforms.
They're lovely.
I myself would never have chosen those white pants.
I would've gone with a darker color. White shows everything.
Just look at those grass stains. Impossible to get out.
It's hard to keep white clean when you're tackled.
But I love the tops.
Such a vibrant purple.
Bark, would you call this color grape or aubergine?
Shut up!
What?
You're making a fool out of yourself.
I am not!
This is football.
All people wanna hear about is touchdowns and injuries.
They don't give a damn about that grape shit.
We have a new psychiatrist that comes in two days a week.
Of course, I pick her name out of the grab bag.
I've gotta get something for her. Would you put that on the list?
I have no idea what to get your father.
What's Jackson giving you? Do you know?
Furniture.
Furniture? Well, my!
Must be nice to be married to a rich lawyer.
For the living room?
No, for the nursery.
We wanted to tell you when you and Daddy were together, but you never are.
It's every man for himself.
I'm pregnant.
I realize that.
Is that it?
Is that all you're gonna say?
What do you want me to say?
Something along the lines of "Congratulations."
Congratulations.
Would it be too much to ask...
...for a little excitement?
Not too much. I wouldn't want you to break a sweat or anything.
It's in July.
You have to help me plan.
We're gonna get a new house.
Jackson and I are going house hunting next week.
He loves to hunt for anything.
- What does Jackson say about all this? - He's so excited.
He says he doesn't care whether it's a boy or a girl...
...but I know he really wants a son so bad he can taste it.
He's cute about it. It's all he talks about.
"Jackson Latcherie, Jr."
Does he ever listen?
When doctors and specialists give you advice...
...does he listen?
I know you never do. Does he?
What?
I guess since he doesn't have to carry the baby, it isn't any of his concern.
I want a child.
What about adoption? You filled out applications.
No judge is going to give a baby to someone with my medical record.
Jackson put out feelers about buying one.
People do it all the time.
Listen to me.
I want a child of my own.
I think it would help things a lot.
I see.
You worry too much.
I never worry, because I always know you're worried enough for both of us.
Jackson and I gave this a lot of thought.
- There's a first time for everything. - Don't start on Jackson.
Your body has been through so much. Why would you do this to yourself?
- Diabetics have healthy babies. - You are special, Shelby.
There are limits to what you can do.
I am going to be...
...very, very careful.
Nobody's gonna be hurt or disappointed...
...or even inconvenienced.
Least of all Jackson, I'm sure.
You're jealous.
You no longer have a say-so in what I do...
...and that drives you up the wall.
You're ready to spit nails because you can't call the shots.
I did not raise my daughter to talk to me like this.
- Yes, you did. - No, I didn't.
Whenever we asked what you wanted for us when we grew up, what'd you say?
I'm not in the mood to play games.
Just tell me what you said. What did you say?
The only thing I have ever said to you is that I want you to be happy.
The one thing that would make me happy is to have a baby.
If I could adopt one, I would, but I can't.
I'm going to have a baby, and I wish you'd be happy too.
I'll tell you what I wish.
I don't know what I wish.
I don't know why you have to make everything so difficult.
I look at having this baby as the opportunity of a lifetime.
Sure, there may be risk involved, but that's true for anybody.
But you get through it and life goes on.
When all's said and done, there'll be a piece of immortality...
...with Jackson's good looks and my sense of style, I hope.
Please.
I need your support.
I would rather have 30 minutes of wonderful...
...than a lifetime of nothing special.
I'll hand it to you. I don't wanna hit you.
- Okay, I got one hole left. - Right.
Put the cords so they don't show. It'll look tacky.
You told me about 40 times.
Did you do all this?
Guilty.
Truvy just turned over the decoration responsibility to me.
I went to the fire sale at the Baptist Bookstore in Shreveport last week.
They had mismatched manger scenes at incredibly low prices.
I cleaned them out of baby Jesuses, which I made into ornaments.
Ready to roll.
Shelby, would you do the honors?
- Here you are, Mrs. Latcherie. - Thanks, Sammy.
Ready?
Annelle, it's wonderful!
It works!
How cute!
I think your elves have gone berserk.
Shelby! I wasn't expecting to see you here today.
I'm running a special. It's called a "Christmas quickie."
I'm beyond help. I've discovered the early stages of crow's feet.
Time marches on, and eventually you realize it's marching across your face.
- Stop it. - Oh, no.
It's Miss Ouiser.
I'm supposed to give her a pedicure today.
I hate working on her feet.
It could've been worse. She could've wanted a bikini waxing.
- Let's not get graphic. - Why not?
Miss Ouiser, I met an old friend of yours.
Owen Jenkins.
Owen! Now, there's a blast from the past.
You remember him? He remembers you.
Of course. He had the longest nose hair in the free world.
He doesn't now. He hardly has any hair anywhere.
Owen's been gone from Chinquapin since God was a boy.
I forgot he existed.
He lives in Monroe and goes to First Presbyterian.
He found out where I was from and asked if I knew you.
He used to live in Ohio.
His wife just died recently, and he's moved back down here.
Does this story have a point?
No, not really. He just remembers you fondly, I think.
I can't imagine why.
He was not a bad fellow. But I managed to run him off...
...and marry the first of two deadbeats.
Maybe I could arrange for us all to get together.
- Maybe not. - Why not?
In a few decades, I married the two most worthless men in the universe...
...and proceeded to have the three most ungrateful children ever conceived.
The only reason people are nice to me...
...is because I have more money than God.
I'm not about to open a new can of worms.
What?
If this is how you feel, it isn't healthy.
Maybe you should come down to the Guidance Center and talk to someone.
I'm not crazy, M'Lynn.
I've just been in a very bad mood for 40 years.
Merry Christmas.
Look at you. Is that new?
I made the dress with my own two hands.
I just threw the rest of it together.
The only thing that separates us from the animals...
...is our ability to accessorize.
Annelle, why are you so late?
Did you and Sammy get tangled up in the tinsel?
Truvy, you kill me.
- Merry Christmas. - Thank you.
- Merry Christmas to you. - Oh, darling.
Your nephew Marshall is a little piece of heaven right here on earth.
They're family and I love them, but they do look like...
...they've all been carved out of cream cheese.
Clairee, I'm surprised at you talking about your kin that way.
As somebody always said:
"If you can't say anything nice about anybody, come sit by me."
That's a good one.
- Somebody wants to see you. - Who?
I've opened the can of worms for you.
Hell.
Owen Jenkins.
Hello, Louisa. Remember me?
My God, you look different. Have you shrunk?
You look terrific. You've hardly changed at all.
I'm not as sweet as I used to be.
I cannot believe Shelby did that.
Owen.
After all these years.
I'm not sure I can be gracious under pressure.
Shelby does a lot of things I can't believe.
What's wrong with you these days? You got a reindeer up your butt?
Everybody!
Tommy, get all these people outside.
Quiet down. I just want a moment of your time, folks.
Today, my daughter...
...told me a big secret.
Now, don't worry, honey, I'm not gonna tell them you're pregnant.
I'm just gonna tell them I'm gonna be a granddaddy.
That's wonderful!
- Grandma! - Congratulations!
Ain't you excited?
Smile. It increases your face value.
The doctors said Shelby couldn't have children.
What do they know? She showed them.
The doctors said she shouldn't have children. There's a difference.
This baby is not exactly great news.
To Jackson and Shelby.
I really wish I had some words of wisdom, but I don't.
So why don't we just focus on the joy of the situation?
It'll be fine.
Absolutely.
You know what they say:
"That which does not kill us makes us stronger."
Nothing pleases Shelby more than proving me wrong.
And to my new grandbaby.
May he be as good-looking as I am.
Born on the third of July
He's a Yankee Doodle sweetheart
He's a Yankee Doodle boy
Yankee Doodle went to London Just to ride a pony
He is a Yankee Doodle boy
Go ahead, blow it out.
- This is boring. - You only have a first birthday once.
- He's making a wish. - I wish he'd blow out the candle.
I can't stand this.
Don't you dare!
Come on, here we go.
One, two, three.
Happy birthday!
I'll be back from Truvy's in about an hour. Anything you want?
I think I'll come with you.
I wanna get my hair cut. Short.
And I want Truvy to do it.
It's easy to take care of.
I'd love to be able to run my fingers through it and go.
I think that would be precious.
I feel the need to make things as simple as possible.
Let me go tell Jackson.
I just can't seem to find the wipes.
They're in my bag. Is he wet?
He's muddy.
Clairee, finish about your nephew. Get to the good stuff.
Well, I have to admit...
...Marshall did go about it the wrong way.
He marched in...
...and without so much as a hello, he said:
"Mama and Daddy, I have something to tell you.
I have a brain tumor. I have three months to live."
Naturally, Drew and Belle became hysterical.
Then he said:
"Hey, folks, I'm only kidding.
I'm just gay."
That was his idea of breaking the news gently?
Marshall was always very theatrical.
I wonder what Drew and Belle must be feeling about this.
I don't know. They've considered themselves...
...a model family for so long.
First Nancy Beth dethroned from her Miss Merry Christmas title...
...because of that unfortunate motel thing.
What motel thing? I don't live here anymore, remember?
Nancy Beth was discovered in a local motel with a high political official.
They were both high. They'd been smoking everything but their shoes.
She's the first Miss Merry Christmas to be caught...
...with her tinsel down around her knees.
Speaking of drawers, hang on to yours!
Oh, gosh.
You don't like it.
I did what you asked me, didn't I?
Yes, you really did a beautiful job.
It's just that...
Sweetheart, don't.
Please don't cry or I will too.
I have a strict policy that nobody cries alone in my presence.
I love it.
Let's do my nails.
This is a treat! Nobody around here ever wants a manicure.
I don't think I'd even know what to charge for a full day's beauty.
I'm gonna need one too.
I am gonna paint my front door red and change my name to Elizabeth Arden.
Amen.
I'm gonna need some more cuticle oil.
- Is it still next to..? - Second shelf.
- Was she praying? - Yes.
- Why? - Got me.
Maybe she was praying for Marshall and Drew and Belle.
Maybe she was praying because we were gossiping.
Maybe she was praying because the elastic is shot in her pantyhose.
Who knows? She prays at the drop of a hat these days.
How long has she been this way?
Since Mardi Gras.
She had a choice of going to a Bible weekend with her Sunday school...
...or to New Orleans with me and two other sinners.
What's her boyfriend say?
Sammy's so confused...
...he don't know to scratch his watch or wind his butt.
He could deal with another man, but he's having trouble...
...with the Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost.
Well, does Marshall have, you know, friends?
We discussed that.
I asked him how he...
...met people.
In my day, a man's demeanor told which side his bread was buttered on.
But in this day and age, who knows?
I asked Marshall, "How can you tell?"
And he said, "All gay men have track lighting.
And all gay men are named Mark, Rick or Steve."
Be a soft-spoken dog!
Morning.
What's so funny?
Clairee's just been telling us this true story of track lighting.
I love mine.
Highlights my new artwork.
Since when do you have track lighting?
About three weeks. It's in the foyer up the staircase.
My grandson's idea.
I haven't seen him in ages.
How is he?
Steve's fine.
Oh, God.
Your hair is so short.
You're almost chipper. Why are you in such a good mood?
Did you run over a small child?
Tomatoes.
Don't give all these to me.
Somebody's gotta take them.
I try not to eat healthy food if I can possibly help it.
The sooner my body gives out, the better off I'll be.
I can't get enough grease into my diet.
Then why do you grow them?
Southern women are supposed to wear...
...funny-looking hats and ugly clothes and grow vegetables in the dirt.
Don't ask me those questions. I don't know why.
I don't make the rules.
Now, that's attractive, Ouiser.
Honey, what have you done to yourself?
It doesn't hurt.
M'Lynn, have you seen this?
Yes, I have.
The doctor's strengthening my veins. They're in terrible shape.
My God!
It looks like you been driving nails up your arms.
What is going on?
Shall we tell them?
I guess we can't keep it a secret any longer.
Shelby has been driving nails up her arm.
It's my dialysis. It's no big thing.
Don't look at me like that. Having Jack, Jr., strained my kidneys...
...and now they're kaput, that's all.
The doctor said this would probably happen.
"That's all"?
"That's all," she says.
Do you do this dialysis forever?
Well, I could, I suppose.
But it's not convenient when keeping up with Jack, Jr.
So I'll have a kidney transplant. I'll be fine.
- Is it that easy? - Sure.
They do them all the time in Shreveport.
They do. Our Sunday school class was just praying for one the other day.
But the hard part is finding a kidney, isn't it?
I saw something about it on TV. Very dramatic.
Medical teams fly all over the place taking hearts and kidneys...
...and who knows what else.
You know what impressed me?
- They carry the organs in beer coolers. - Stop it!
Those doctors take out their six-packs...
...throw in some dry ice and a heart and get on a plane.
How long do you have to wait for one?
There are people on dialysis that have waited for years.
That must be agony.
I suppose, but...
...I'm lucky. I don't have to wait anymore.
Mama's gonna give me one of her kidneys.
When?
We check in tomorrow morning.
So you better get going on my nails.
- Annelle, I'm dripping. - I'm sorry.
I shouldn't have said that.
Said what?
Back at Truvy's.
I said I'd be better off when my body wears out.
I shouldn't have said that in front of Shelby.
And I didn't mean that.
Ouiser, nobody pays any attention to you.
But I feel bad, Clairee.
I'm a terrible person.
No, you're not.
You'd give your dog a kidney if he needed one.
This is just a gesture.
We're not feeding Drum till the end of time.
Drum loves pork and beans. He eats them with everything.
That explains a lot.
You're supposed to soak the red beans overnight.
But we don't have overnight.
I wanna take it to them before they leave for the hospital.
Let's cook something else.
I already bought the stuff.
It's in the "Freezes Beautifully" section of my cookbook.
I wanna take something that freezes beautifully.
Then we'll make red beans and rice.
Sammy Dwayne Desoto, what is this in my Frigidaire?
Beer.
I don't care what you do in your refrigerator...
...but you won't keep liquor in mine.
Annelle, for Christ's sakes.
Who?
Christ.
Who did you say?
Christ, Christ, Christ.
Are you speaking of our Lord? Is that whose name you're taking in vain?
That's the one.
I am sorry, Sammy, but I won't spend the next 50 years of my life...
...with someone who I won't run into in the hereafter.
Annelle, goddamn it.
I think we should pray.
I'd rather eat dirt.
Shelby says her half of the operation's easy.
I guess M'Lynn's is terrible.
They basically have to saw her in half to get the kidney out.
They do it on Circus of the Stars all the time.
Don't joke about it, Spud.
I feel awful for them.
I guess the Eatentons are lucky.
They all know how much they mean to each other.
Maybe I'm jealous.
Hand me that socket wrench, would you?
- Which one's a socket wrench? - The socket wrench.
This funny-looking thing?
Thank you.
That's not funny.
Okay, no more transplant jokes. Daddy doesn't like them.
Whose turn is it?
Mama, give me all your...
...internal organs.
I mean aces.
Dad, I'm sorry.
It just slipped out.
Go fish.
I'll put this little one to bed.
- Mama, I'll do it. - No, no, let me.
After tomorrow, it'll be a long time before I can pick him up.
So much for the card game.
Movie!
Yes! Old and black-and-white.
Nothing dirty there.
I got it. A classic.
"A Tale of Two Kidneys."
You think that's funny?
That's not funny.
I overslept because I was up late cooking.
I've gotta get these beans to the Eatenton's...
...and it's my Sunday to count the offering...
...and I just know I'm gonna miss church.
Cool down. I'm gonna have to turn the hose on you.
I just don't know what I'll do.
I know what you're gonna do.
You are gonna get in this car...
...and we're gonna drop that pot of beans off at the Eatenton house.
Then you are going to church with me.
I don't know.
Honey, God don't care which church you go to, as long as you show up.
- Ouiser, what brings you here? - Shut up.
I was just wondering how things were with you and Owen.
I can report that the Sherwood Florist delivery truck...
...stops by her house at least twice a week.
He knows I like fresh flowers.
And I can report that a strange car...
...is parked in her garage at least once a week.
There.
My secret is out.
I am having an affair with a Mercedes-Benz.
We are in the house of the Lord.
Oh, like she cares.
Ouiser's never done a religious thing in her life.
Now, that is not true.
When I was in school, a bunch of my friends and I...
...would dress up as nuns and go barhopping.
Ouiser, forgive me, but I just been dying to ask you this.
Are you and Owen, you know?
Wait, wait. I have to get a mental picture of this.
A dirty mind is a terrible thing to waste.
Not that this is any of anyone else's business...
...but no. We're friends.
He would like more, and I am dealing with that.
But I am old and set in my ways.
You are playing hard to get.
At her age, she should be playing beat the clock.
- Miss DeLord, is 240 on telemetry? - Yes, he is.
Thank you.
May I help you?
Could somebody fix my IV, please?
Someone'll be there in a minute.
Wendy, will you check 240's IV?
I think that despite everything, we have a very good result.
Looks good. Looks real, real good.
Thanks.
Surprise!
I can't believe this!
I have always wanted to give a wedding shower with a monster motif.
That's what you get for getting married on Halloween.
My heart!
Come on, let's open the gifts.
You're welcome. Next.
M'Lynn, appliqué...
With some little fringe on them and some appliqué.
Quiet down. Quiet down.
It says, "Better late than never."
Look out, Sammy!
- Who's that from? - It's not signed.
Here, let me see.
What?
I'd recognize this penmanship anywhere.
You have the handwriting of a serial killer.
I just thought Sammy wouldn't mind you reading the Bible in bed...
...if you were wearing something inspirational.
Yuck, yuck.
Put down "split crotch."
- This is from Shelby. - That's disgusting.
She's sorry she couldn't be here. She's on duty.
- How is she? - Fine.
I fed baby Renz, but I haven't fed Alex, okay?
- Gotta get home for Halloween. - Have a good evening.
This is too cute. Now, where did you find it?
Aunt Fern made it. I can't wait to get home and try it on Jack.
I even taught him to say, "trick or treat," or something...
Something kind of like it.
Could you hand me that bag, Pam?
- Thanks. - Good night.
Good night.
- Here you go. - Thank you.
If this don't work on my husband, come back.
- Yes, ma'am. Thank you. - See you.
Looks like somebody's husband's coming home tonight.
When you work a seven-day stretch on an oil rig...
...all you wanna do on your day off is sleep.
But I'm gonna do everything I can to keep him up.
Anne Boleyn had six fingers.
Who's Anne Berlin?
Anne Boleyn. She was one of the six wives of Henry VIII.
I never watch public television.
She had six fingers.
What happened to the other four?
She had 11 total.
Are you trying to confuse me?
No. I just want to expose us...
...to a little more culture.
And that's not easy to come by in this neck of the woods.
How about taking a theatre trip to New York?
I don't wanna expose myself to anything.
Broaden your horizons.
You broaden your horizons your way, and I will broaden my horizons mine.
I'm gonna support the arts in this area.
I'll write a check. I support art. I don't have to see it.
It wouldn't harelip you.
Can I get one thing straight with you?
I do not see plays, because I can nap at home for free.
I don't see movies, because they're trash and got naked people in them.
I don't read books, because they'll make them into a miniseries.
You would be a much more contented, pleasant person...
...if you would find ways to occupy your time.
I am pleasant!
Damn it! I just saw Drum Eatenton at the Piggly-Wiggly...
...and I smiled at the son of a bitch before I could help myself!
I'm sorry, Miss Ouiser.
You take your Bible and shove it where the sun doesn't shine.
Put it in Mommy's pocket.
There we go.
We'll zip you up, and we'll go trick-or-treating right after dinner.
Let's go in and make some spaghetti.
Let's go call Daddy, okay?
Darling, I'm home.
What's the matter, pal?
What?
What's the matter?
Okay, buddy.
Oh, my God.
Okay, baby, just wait right here.
Shelby? Baby?
- rejection of the kidney...
The coma may be irreversible.
- Good morning. - Good morning, Gladys.
We're doing our Jane Fonda.
The exercises are good for her.
Here's the one where you're holding him.
You're looking at him, he's looking at you...
...and then you all looked over at me. Remember?
Open your eyes, Shelby. Open your eyes. Look at him.
He wants you to open your eyes, Shelby. He wants you to open your eyes.
"Lesson Three:
Never be afraid...
...to try a brave new look.
Now, that could mean wearing...
...daring to wear...
...a sexy slip of a dress that bares..."
Honey, it'll do you good to get out for a while.
Eat a real dinner.
What if she wakes up for two minutes and I'm not here?
"For example...
...we know where you can get a top-of-the-line hairstyle..."
Call Clairee.
Call Connolly's Funeral Home. It's the nicest.
You're gonna have to get her pink suit.
The one with the little red cherries on the lapel.
Where's Jack, Jr?
Aunt Fern's.
There's your grandma.
Pumpkin.
Does this tie go?
You look real nice.
Thought I'd come to the funeral, if you don't mind.
I don't mind.
I feel sorry for them, you know?
I mean, especially Jackson.
Losing Shelby like that.
If that ever happened to me...
...I don't know what I'd do.
A thing like this just doesn't make any sense.
No sense at all.
I just think about what Annelle says:
"The Lord works in mysterious ways."
What the hell's this for?
It makes you pretty.
Come on home, honey.
How you holding up, honey?
I'm fine.
It was a beautiful service.
The flowers were the most beautiful flowers I have ever seen.
They were beautiful.
It should make you feel a lot better that Shelby is with her King.
Yes, Annelle, I guess it should.
- We should all be rejoicing. - Well, you go on ahead.
I'm sorry if I don't feel like it. I guess I'm selfish.
I'd rather have her here.
I don't mean to upset you by saying that.
It's just that...
...when something like this happens...
...I pray very hard to make heads or tails of it.
And I think that in Shelby's case...
...she just wanted to take care of that little baby...
...and of you, of everybody she knew.
And her poor little body was just worn out.
It just wouldn't let her do all the things she wanted to.
So she went on to a place where she could be...
...a guardian angel.
She will always be young.
She will always be beautiful.
And I personally feel much safer knowing that she's up there on my side.
It may sound real simple and stupid and...
Well, maybe I am...
...but that's how I get through things like this.
Thank you, Annelle.
I appreciate that.
And it's a real good idea.
Shelby wouldn't want us to get mired down and wallow in this.
We should handle it the best way we know how...
...and get on with it.
That's what my mind says.
I wish somebody'd explain it to my heart.
Drum says you never left her side for a second.
I couldn't leave my Shelby.
I just sat there...
...and kept on pushing the way I always have where Shelby was concerned.
I was hoping she'd sit up and argue with me.
And finally we realized there was no hope.
We turned off the machines.
Drum left. He couldn't take it.
Jackson left.
I find it amusing.
Men are supposed to be made out of steel or something.
But I just sat there.
I just held Shelby's hand.
There was no noise.
No tremble.
Just peace.
Oh, God.
I realize...
...as a woman, how lucky I am.
I was there when that wonderful creature drifted into my life.
And I was there when she drifted out.
It was the most precious moment of my life.
I gotta get back.
Has anybody got a mirror?
Does anybody have a mirror?
I don't know how you're doing on the inside...
...but your hair's just holding up beautiful.
Shelby was right.
This is a brown football helmet.
Honey, are you okay?
I'm fine.
I'm fine. I'm fine.
I'm fine!
I could jog all the way to Texas and back...
...but my daughter can't.
She never could.
God! I'm so mad, I don't know what to do!
I wanna know why.
I wanna know why Shelby's life is over.
I wanna know how that baby will ever know how wonderful his mother was.
Will he ever know what she went through for him?
Oh, God, I wanna know why!
Why?!
Lord, I wish I could understand.
It's not supposed to happen this way.
I'm supposed to go first. I've always been ready to go.
I don't think I can take this.
I just wanna hit somebody till they feel as bad as I do.
I just wanna hit something. I wanna hit it hard!
Here.
Hit this.
Go ahead. Slap her!
- Are you crazy? - Hit her!
- Are you high, Clairee? - Have you lost your mind?
We'll sell T-shirts saying, "I Slapped Ouiser Boudreaux"!
Hit her!
Miss Clairee, enough.
Ouiser, this is your chance to do something for your fellow man.
Knock her lights out!
Let go of me!
You missed the chance of a lifetime. Half of Chinquapin would give...
...their eyeteeth to take a whack at Ouiser.
You are a pig from hell!
Ouiser, don't leave!
I was just kidding. Come back!
That was not a very Christian thing to do.
Annelle, you gotta lighten up.
Go away.
Okay, all right. Hit me, then. I deserve it.
You are evil, and you must be destroyed.
Mother Nature's taking care of that faster than you could.
Things were getting entirely too serious for a moment.
We needed to laugh.
I bet Lloyd got a kick out of it.
Lloyd got a great deal of enjoyment at my expense when he was alive.
You know I love you more than my luggage.
This is my bench.
Get off my bench!
Get off my..! Good. Now, sit.
You are too twisted for color TV.
Have your roots done.
I shouldn't have gone on the way I did. I made everybody cry.
Don't be silly. Laughter through tears is my favorite emotion.
Thanks, Annelle.
Maybe I should have an emotional outburst more often.
Maybe I should start having them at home.
Drum would be so pleased.
Well, I'm glad to see the two of you made up.
Ouiser can never stay mad at me.
She worships the quicksand I walk on.
You're in my prayers.
Yes, Annelle, I pray.
Well, I do. There, I said it. I hope you're satisfied.
I have suspected this all along.
Don't you expect me to come to one of your churches.
Those tent revivals with those Bible-beaters doing God-knows-what.
They'd probably make me eat a live chicken.
Not on your first visit.
Very good, Annelle.
Spoken like a true smart-ass.
What are you doing? Are you eating my picture?
Let's get in the swing.
Get our feets in there.
There we go.
Hold on.
I don't know if this is the right time or place...
...but I wanted to tell you...
...that Sammy and I have decided if this baby's a girl...
...we'd like to name it Shelby...
...since she was the reason we met in the first place.
If you don't mind.
Shelby would love that.
I'm tickled pink.
Pink.
What are you gonna name it if it happens to be a boy?
Shelby, I guess.
That's how it should be.
Life goes on.
I've never been so uncomfortable in all my life.
We'll talk about "uncomfortable" when you're nine months pregnant.
Keep those eyes closed, or I'll staple them shut.
- They're closed! - Keep them closed.
- Now? - Ready?
Keep them shut.
- Open them up. - All right.
I don't believe it!
I'm a chain!
- Jesus! - Lighten up.
Now, you just burst through those bushes...
...and hop over to where the kids are, okay?
What bushes? I can't see shit!
Over there.
"Over there."
I'm an adult. I'm not a 5-year-old!
On your mark. Get set. Go!
Okay, Jack, Jr. I'm gonna tell you a story.
Once upon a time, there was a beautiful young gal...
...named Shelby.
And Shelby had a lovely, kind...
...and wonderful good fairy named...
...Clairee.
But there was also a horrible...
...evil, ugly witch named...
...Ouiser.
I hate these stupid neighborhood things.
No one's twisting your arm to keep you here.
Well, I have to be sociable.
Rhett's here.
Let's connect the bald spots.
Eat shit and die.
Hello, M'Lynn.
Good to see you too, Ouiser, Owen.
Come on, Rhett! Kill, kill!
Quit it, Drum.
Stop egging him on.
And everyone lived happily ever after.
And the nasty, wicked, evil, wretched...
...horrible, mean Ouiser...
...was never heard from again.
Now, it's almost time for the Easter Bunny.
Run on down.
Hi, Jack! You remember me?
It's your old pal Ouiser.
Just a second. It's Jackson.
Jack, come here!
Is he all right?
Yes, he's all right.
Honey, it's okay. It's okay.
Women have babies every day.
Jonathan, quick! Get that Easter Bunny over here now.
- Tommy, where's Sammy? - Over there.
- Excuse me. - Why? What's going on?
Oh, my God! She's gonna have a baby. Go get a doctor!
Help! A doctor!
This way, this way.
Get her in.
We'll find Sammy.
It's all right, honey. We'll get Sammy.
Come on, Sammy!
Get your tail hopping!
Subtitles by Gelula/SDI